Title: Every (Fan)Girl's Dream
Rating: Overall: NC-17.
Disclaimers: Not true. . .blah, blah, blah. Tolkien's characters are his own, I just get them dirty.
Summary: The Council of Elrond and some other stuff.
Archive: Gay Shagging Cats.
A/N: Blatant Mary Sue. Horribly written. The only reasons the het seks isn't disgusting are: 1) I'm the OFC. 2) It's humour.
Did you find the mistake?
Sonja's dildo is purple, not green.
Tolkien's writing has been liberally paraphrased. Read: butchered six ways from Sunday.
Part Three: The Council.
Sonja's clothes were brought to her and she dressed. With the black fishnet top and black bondage pants, she stuck out like a sore thumb, but she sure looked good. Her short blue-black hair was perfectly tousled, and she managed to get her hands on some black kohl eyeliner that Erestor apparently had lying around. From her seat next to Elrond she could see that everyone present was looking at her with lust in their eyes.
". . . fiery chasm . . . blah, blah, blah . . ." Elrond was droning on, and Gandalf appeared to be nodding off, so Sonja stood up and started speaking.
"Look. Frodo's taking the One Ring. Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, Gandalf, and Boromir are going to keep his arse alive. The other three Hobbits, who are hiding in the bushes like a bunch of pansies, are going along too." Sonja sat back down in her chair to survey the chaos she'd just caused. Gimli seemed rather put out that he didn't get to insult the Elves.
"What happened here?" Boromir was confused. "Why do I have to go? I should stay here and wait. If Aragorn is killed, there's got to be someone around who can rule Gondor."
"Sorry, sexy. You have to go. Trust me." Sonja winked at Boromir. "I'll go as well, to keep you all company."
Another chaotic scene broke out. Suddenly no one wanted to stay behind. Gandalf had to resort to Black Speech to get everyone's attention again.
"It's settled," boomed Elrond. "These ten will set out from Imladris three days hence on a quest to destroy Isildur's Bane. None of you are bound by oath to go into Mord-"
"You're rambling again. Just wish them luck and adjourn already. Fuck, mate. You're worse than my bloody history professor."
Elrond dismissed the council and announced that there would be a banquet the following night in honour of the ten idiots, er, brave souls who were risking their very lives for the well-being of Middle Earth. Sonja decided that Elrond was in love with the sound of his own voice and rolled her eyes.
When everyone started to get up and leave, Sonja approached Legolas. She put her hands on his shoulders, leaned in close, and whispered in his ear, "Come to my room tonight, and I'll show you something you've not seen in all your three thousand years." Then she licked his ear from lobe to tip, turned, and walked toward a very excited Elrohir who had promised her a tour of the grounds.
Legolas was shocked at Sonja's unbelievable arrogance. Was it customary in her land to be so forward? To approach royalty so brazenly? He most certainly was not going to her room, regardless of what she promised.
Part Four: Preparation.
It was just past nightfall when Legolas knocked on Sonja's chamber door. Curiosity and a raging hard-on had finally gotten the better of him.
"Good eve, Milady," the Elf began. "You look well."
"You're welcome to look," said Sonja, remembering a line from Ever After. Then she started playing Six Degrees of Separation in her mind: The brunette sister in Ever After was in Heavenly Creatures, which was directed by Peter Jackson, who had directed the The Lord of the Rings trilogy. Interesting.
"Huh? Oh, sorry. Come in." She looked Legolas over. Damn, but he was sexy. He'd look even sexier tied to her bed in four-point restraints with Aragorn standing over him with a riding crop. "You're so fucking hot, you know that?"
"Hot? Oh, no Milady. It's quite pleasant this evening."
"No, that's not what I- oh, nevermind." Sonja grabbed his hand and pulled him into the room. "Why don't you get those clothes off and lie on the bed while we wait."
"Wait? For what?"
"A surprise. Now be a good prince and get naked for me. Can't fuck with clothes on."
"Fuck?" Legolas asked, un-notching his belt.
"Yeah. Fuck. Have sex? Fornicate?"
Jesus-motherfucking-Christ, it's like giving directions to sodding Yank tourists.
"I see." Legolas, in point of fact, didn't see, because Sonja had tied a piece of cloth over his eyes. "What is this for?"
"Can't have you seeing your surprise before it's ready, now can I? Here, let me help you undress." Sonja's hands busied themselves with untying the lacings of Legolas' leggings. She moved one hand down inside the fabric and started stroking Legolas' erection.
"Elbereth," Legolas sighed. And then, "What?" when Sonja stopped.
"Just wait. I've got things I want to do to you, but not yet. Come lie on the bed." She led Legolas to the large bed and helped him up onto it. When she'd finished stripping him of his remaining garments, she said, "Now, relax, mate. I'm going to need you on your back."
Legolas let Sonja tie each wrist and ankle to a bedpost, but only because she was licking various places on his body as she did. "Milady," he whispered breathlessly as Sonja's tongue circled a nipple. "When do I get to 'fuck' you?"
"Mmm," Sonja hummed against the flesh. "When Aragorn gets here."
To be continued. . . here.
In the tradition of Mary Sue hetfic writers everywhere, "Give me reviews, 'kay! I like, live for them and stuff!"