Rating: Overall: NC-17.
Disclaimers: Not true. . .blah, blah, blah. Tolkien's characters are his own, I just get them dirty.
Summary: Yay, more smut.
Archive: Gay Shagging Cats.
A/N: Blatant Mary Sue. Horribly written. The only reasons the het seks isn't disgusting are: 1) I'm the OFC. 2) It's humour.
A/N 2: You know, I’m not really this pervy in real life. Oh, who am I kidding? This is a Mary Sue, which means it’s an exact representation of what I really am. Perfectly sexy and gorgeous. Yeah.
Parts 1 and 2.
Parts 3 and 4.
Parts 5 and 6.
Yeah, I know, it’s been awhile. But I’ve been busy having real seks up in Glasgow, so there’s been no time for fantasy. Yeah.
Grab some crisps and a Coke, and sit back. Here we go. Loads of Sue-ish Hetficcy Goodness™ in this’n. Sex clichés abound.
And a reminder: This is a parody. This is not a serious piece of writing. I fucking hate the word ‘clit.’ Just, ugh.
Spoken Sindarin is represented thus: [. . .].
Part Nine: Sonja Gets Some Elf Lovin’.
“Don’t answer it, Milady.” Legolas pleaded as he untied the knot in Sonja’s robe. “Whoever it is can wait.”
“Hello?” called a voice from outside the room. “Are you awake, Milady? It is time for breakfast, and-”
“No, thank you! I won’t be eating breakfast this morning.” Sonja wished the tosser outside would piss off already and leave her to her business.
Legolas had gotten the robe untied and had pushed it off of Sonja’s shoulders, exposing her creamy white skin. He ran his hands down her arms and back up, and then down her chest to her nipples. He circled them both at the same time, making them grow hard as pebbles. He slid one hand down between Sonja’s legs. She moaned as he slipped one finger inside her and rubbed his thumb over her clit.
“Fuh. . .,” Sonja started to say, but couldn’t.
“Does this please you?” Legolas asked as he kissed his way down Sonja’s neck. “Or do you want more?”
“I was hoping you would say that. As you wish.” Legolas pushed Sonja down onto her back and lowered himself over her. He settled back on his heels and placed Sonja’s ankles over his shoulders. In one swift movement, with the accuracy of an archer, Legolas penetrated Sonja deeply, causing her to moan with intense pleasure.
Apparently, Elves have quite a bit of stamina when it comes to carnal matters, because he drilled Sonja into her mattress for a good hour before he finally came, deep within her, panting her name. Then he lay back, breathless, on the sheets to wait for Sonja to collect herself, which took awhile since she’d just been fucked senseless for an hour solid.
“I, ehm, well,” Sonja started to say when she’d finally come to her senses. “I think I’d better have another bath and then start packing for our journey.”
“You have nothing to pack, Milady. The only items of clothing you have are the ones you brought with you, remember?” Legolas was seeing straight through Sonja’s excuse to get him out of her room.
“Fuck. That’s right.”
“Perhaps Elrond’s tailors can make travelling clothes for you. We shall go and ask.”
Legolas and Sonja bathed and dressed together, only getting it on once more in the process, and headed off to speak to Elrond about travelling attire.
Part Ten: Ladies Don’t Wear Trousers.
“Milady,” the tailor began, “proper ladies do not go about wearing trousers. I shall make a travelling dress for you.”
“Look, Snap, Crackle & Pop, don’t tell me what to wear. I can’t bloody well go mucking about Middle Earth in a fucking dress. So here,” Sonja pulled off her bondage trousers to give to the tailor. “Make me three pair of these. And what are you fuckwits staring at?”
“Milady, you aren’t wearing any undergarments,” the tailor pointed out.
“Oh. Well then.” After a few moments of being stared at by Legolas and the tailor, Sonja yelled, “Well get me something to cover myself with, you fucking idiot!”
“[Your wife, Your Highness, would benefit from a sound swat on the backside.],” the tailor said to Legolas as he was fetching a pair of trousers for Sonja.
“[Quite right. I do believe I shall give her one. Thank you.]”
Sonja, of course was oblivious to what was being said, since she didn’t understand a lick of Sindarin. And, it seems, she’d forgotten something very important.
She was now bound for life to Legolas, being the one he gave his virginity to. His heterosexual virginity, at any rate, and Aragorn was already betrothed. Which meant, of course, that Sonja was now his wife.
To be continued . . .here.