Pairing: Orlando Bloom/OFC (sort of), and Orlando Bloom/Elijah Wood.
Rating: The series will be NC-17. This chapter is G.
Disclaimer: Not true. Fiction.
Author's Notes: This is an AU. It is meant to be somewhat of a parody, so read it, enjoy it, and tell your mates about it.
Once upon a time, in a faraway land, there lived a prince. This prince, Prince Orlando, lived all alone in his palace, save his servants, and he was very lonely. He didn’t have anyone with whom to discuss personal matters, and since one does not make a habit of discussing one’s private affairs with the chambermaid, the prince had only his reflection to talk to. Only every now and then did people come to call, but they never stayed more than a day or two, and the prince was left alone with his reflection again.
Over the years, Orlando had grown quite fond of the time he spent in his bedchamber in front of his mirror, and he spent more and more time there each day. His opposite image was his only companion, and the prince began to notice how stunningly beautiful he was. He postponed meetings, cancelled appointments, and had his meals brought to him in his chambers. It wasn’t long before he stopped taking callers altogether and spent most of his waking hours in front of the mirror.
By the time the Orlando’s twenty-seventh birthday had come around, his faithful servants began to grow concerned. They worried that their master would die alone and unloved, all because he couldn’t bear to tear himself away from his beloved reflection. They all got together one evening in the parlour after the prince had gone to bed to try and think of ways to convince the prince that life was passing him by.
“Why don’t we just break the mirror?” The cook asked, as if that was the most obvious solution.
“He isn’t away from it long enough for us to do that,” replied the gardener, who still tended to the grounds although the prince never left the palace to see them.
“Aye, he even has his baths in front of the horrid thing.” The chambermaid shook her head as she spoke. “He’s in love with himself, so we must seek someone who is even more beautiful than he. Only then will we get our prince back.”
All of the servants nodded in agreement. It was decided that the next day, just after daybreak, the gardener and the head maid would go out to the nearest town and look for a mate for Prince Orlando. They were certain that if they brought to him the most beautiful maiden in the town, he would fall in love with her and the narcissistic spell would be broken.
The two servants wandered for hours before spotting a beautiful woman in the market. She had long ginger hair, beautiful emerald eyes, and the brightest smile either had ever seen.
“Pardon me, my lady,” spoke the gardener, “we have come to this town to seek a mate for our prince, and you are surely the most beautiful woman here. Would you come back to the palace with us?”
The young woman, beside herself with joy, quickly agreed, and she and the prince’s servants were on their way back to the palace.
“Your Highness,” the chambermaid whispered to the prince, who was busy winding a brown curl around his finger and grinning at himself. “There is a girl in the parlour. She’s lost her way and has nowhere to go. Can she stay here in one of the rooms?”
Without so much as shifting his gaze, Orlando responded. “Certainly she may. Never let it be said that I am not charitable.”
“Of course not. Perhaps Your Highness would like to join her for dinner?”
“Whatever for? Aren’t the staff capable of entertaining the young lady without my help? I have important things to do this evening.” He waved the chambermaid off, and she went down to the parlour to report the results of her futile attempt to get the prince out of his bedchamber.
“There has got to be away to get him to look at her. I am certain that one glance at her beautiful face will make him never want to take his eyes from it.” The gardener began pacing the room. “I’ve got it! Take her on a tour of the palace, and be certain to pass His Highness’ chambers.” The man’s eyes lit up as he explained his plot to the chambermaid. “Make a racket outside of the room, and when he asks what the noise is, you and the girl walk in.”
“That is one way, certainly. But we do not want our future princess to think we are crazy, making noise in the halls for no reason. She may dismiss us when it is within her power to do so.”
“You’ve a point. Perhaps then, she could ‘accidentally’ walk into his room?”
“Brilliant! And while she is stammering through her apologies, he will have time enough to drink in her beauty.” The chambermaid and the gardener went to tell the other servants about their plan. They all agreed it was the best, and the next day the head maid would guide the woman on a tour of the palace.
To be continued.