Rating: R, for disturbing sexual imagery and language.
Disclaimer: Not true. Fiction.
Author's Notes: MST of the story Miracle Flutters, by QueenCria. Used without permission. Text blocks in italics are the original story. No parts of it have been altered, and it remains the property of the original author. I refuse to take credit for shite like that. MPreg Warning: The original fic is an MPreg, and this is one in parody.
Part One: Radiation Poisoning.
ARAGORN, LEGOLAS, and SUGARY LIME walk into the expansive Gay Shagging Cats BadFic Screening Room. It’s been newly decorated, and the smell of paint lingers in the air.
LEGOLAS: That’s not the only smell that lingers.
ARAGORN: Sorry. Broccoli for lunch.
LEGOLAS: Are you quite finished, then?
ARAGORN: I think so.
LEGOLAS: Good. I can’t imagine the decorators being happy about you peeling all the paint from the walls. You’ve already killed the hanging plants.
SUGARY LIME: Enough, already! The story’s about to start, and I don’t want to miss the Author’s Notes.
Author’s Note—I was bored one day and had nothing else to do, so I wrote this little ficlet. This will include A/L slash and mpreg, so if this bothers you do not read it.
LEGOLAS: Oh, no. You didn’t say it was going to be one of these. There’s no way I can sit through this!
SUGARY LIME: You’re going to have to. It’s in your contract.
ARAGORN: Which one of us gets pregnant?
LEGOLAS: Do you honestly think these fangirls would emasculate you by making you pregnant? Shit, they might was well just cut my balls off and get it over with.
ARAGORN: Oh, it’s good to be King.
Disclaimer—Don’t own LOTR or any of the characters etc. If I did own Legolas and Aragorn, even if they were gay, I would definitely not be writing about them.
PS—No flames please. If you don’t like it then that’s okay, but if it’s just because of Slash and Mpreg, that’s different. I warned you and it’s lame to read something so you can trash it.
SUGARY LIME: Doesn’t she know how fun it is to read something that sucks just for the point of trashing it? Isn’t that what fanfiction.net is for, anyway?
LEGOLAS: You wouldn’t be so thrilled if it were you they were slandering.
SUGARY LIME: It’s libel.
LEGOLAS: Whatever. It’s crap. My reputation will be ruined for centuries over this!
The stars shone brilliantly in the midnight sky of dark blue-black velvet. Legolas stood on the balcony of the rooms he shared with Aragorn and let the cool night air caress his face. And his stomach. He lovingly rubbed his hand across the light fabric that covered his midsection, wonderfully aware of the life that was growing inside of him.
At first he had been terribly apprehensive about how Gondor and the world of men would react when they learned of his pregnancy. Aragorn had known from the beginning that male Sindarin elves could bear children and he had been excited at the prospect. He still remembered that day when Aragorn had proudly and without fear, announced the impending birth of his child and heir.
ARAGORN: So where, exactly, is this kid going to come out- oh. Ohhh. That’s sick.
LEGOLAS: It’s like a little poo with a face.
SUGARY LIME: Shut. Up. Never, ever say anything like that again. It’s going to take me the rest of my life to get that image out of my head.
LEGOLAS: It’s no less than you deserve, really, subjecting me to this horror. And besides that, you’ll be dead in eighty years anyway, so you won’t be suffering long.
SUGARY LIME: Thanks, dickhead.
After he had boldly spoken the words, there had been a moment of silence that seemed to stretch on for eternity...then the people of Gondor had broken out in cheers and yells of happiness. And right there, in front of his people, King Aragorn Elessar has pulled his prince consort into his arms and soundly kissed him. It had been one of the most wonderful moments of his life.
Legolas returned from his daydream as he heard Aragorn enter the rooms, calling out his name softly.
“Legolas, my love? Where are you?”
“On the balcony, Estel.” He still used Aragorn’s childhood name, out of longstanding habit.
SUGARY LIME: So, when’s Gondor’s first Gay Pride parade?
ARAGORN: Next June. You’ll never guess who we’ve got for Parade Queen.
SUGARY LIME: Orlando Bloom.
ARAGORN: Legolas, did you tell her?
LEGOLAS: You didn’t say not to.
SUGARY LIME: You know how it is. Telephone, telegraph, tell Legolas.
LEGOLAS: I can’t very well take these things to the grave can I? I’m immortal, for fuck’s sake. I can only hold it in for so long! Much like Aragorn over here. Gods, man, can’t you take that outside?
ARAGORN: It just sort of sneaks up on me.
Estel came up behind him and slid his arms around his waist, his own hands atop Legolas’s. Together the gently caressed their child through his skin. His kin had become very sensitive and it seemed like every touch expanded through him and went directly to their child. Even though he was only three and a half months along and the child hadn’t moved yet, Legolas knew she was in there, just waiting to make her appearance.
LEGOLAS: I really think it’s just food poisoning or something. Or a tape worm.
ARAGORN: It’s nauseating, and I’m not even the one with morning sickness.
SUGARY LIME: What I want to know is, where the hell is Arwen? She being, oh, I don’t know, Queen of Gondor and all, shouldn’t she be the one to pop out all your little sprogs?
LEGOLAS: The creation of new life sounds so beautiful when you explain it like that.
SUGARY LIME: That’s a lot of noise coming from a guy three months up the stick.
ARAGORN: Three and a half.
LEGOLAS: Well, if someone had used a condom- wait, what the hell am I saying? Fuck you both!
“How are you, my love?” Estel whispered as he softly kissed Legolas’s ears.
“We, are well. I know many think that the glow of expectancy is nothing more than an old wives tale, but I fell as though I am glowing.”
“You are, my love, you are.”
For a long moment they stood together not talking, just enjoying the simple joy of touching and togetherness. The stars sparkled brilliantly and Legolas felt as though the world was truly perfect. Just the three of them wrapped up in their own world. Nothing bad could happen in that world, all that there was, was joy.
SUGARY LIME: Oh, my love! I love you my glowing love!
ARAGORN: Arwen’s always whinging about how we need more light in the library. Could just stick Legolas in there and save money on candles.
LEGOLAS: Ha bloody ha.
SUGARY LIME: Just be sure to wear sunshades or a radiation suit.
LEGOLAS: All right! Enough! So I’m fucking pregnant and glowing. Can we move on, please?
SUGARY LIME: Aww, is someone cranky? It’s all those hormones racing through your system.
LEGOLAS: You really want to die, don’t you?
ARAGORN: Leave the poor thing alone. Don’t want to send him into premature labour.
LEGOLAS: That’s it! You’re both cut off. No more Legolovin’ for either one of you.
SUGARY LIME: He did not just say “Legolovin’.”
ARAGORN: Pregnancy does strange things to a person, er, Elf.
Suddenly, Legolas felt something miraculous, something he had been hoping for, for many days. The tiniest fluttering in his abdomen. Nothing more than the slightest movement, akin to the butterfly kisses Aragorn sometimes planted on his cheeks. But he knew it was so much more than that. It was their child telling them she was there. Her first kick, her first movement of her life.
Legolas inhaled softly and pressed his hand to the most sensitive spot on his stomach, just below his navel. Then it happened again. The flutter. He smiled and sighed.
“Are you well, my love?” Aragorn asked.
Legolas didn’t say anything. He took one of Estel’s warm calloused hands in his own and pressed it to his abdomen. Then the baby kicked again.
“My love...” Aragorn breathed.
“Yes, Estel, can you feel it. Our baby, our little girl.”
“No, no, my love,” Estel said kissing his ear again, “much more than that. She is our miracle.”
“Yes, I think that is better. She is our miracle.” Legolas smiled.
As they stood beneath the diamond sky of Gondor, the world was changed. It became more brilliant, more perfect. And the promise of new life to come hung sweet and lovely in the cool night air.
SUGARY LIME: I’m no expert, but doesn’t the kicking usually start at five months?
LEGOLAS: Maybe for you inferior humans, but Elves- wait. Damnit. I’m not pregnant! And I’m not your love!
SUGARY LIME: You know, if this weren’t MPreg, it wouldn’t be so bad.
ARAGORN: You can’t be serious.
SUGARY LIME: She’s only got a few typos in there, and the sappy love shit could be toned down a bit, yeah. But all in all, this isn’t as bad as some.
LEGOLAS: But I’m pregnant! Or, I’m not, but I am! This story wouldn’t even exist but for the author’s fucked up idea that I should be pushing babies out of my arse.
SUGARY LIME: Arsebabies. Yeah, that’s fucked up.
LEGOLAS: Thank you.
SUGARY LIME: You know what would be funny? What if you got Aragorn preggers?
ARAGORN: That would not be funny.
SUGARY LIME: Sure it would. I think the idea of the King of Men waddling around Gondor in maternity armour is bloody hilarious.
LEGOLAS: You tie him down, and I’ll do the rest.
And so we leave our panellists, two of whom are attempting to forcibly impregnate the other, for a brief intermission. Stay tuned for the next exciting instalment of Miracle Whip and Peanut Butter.