Disclaimer: Not true. Fiction.
Author's Notes: This is an unauhtorised MST of Arsarmwen. I do not claim ownership of the original fiction. The text of the original fiction remains as written. The original text apears in italics.
I own nothing. Well, except for maybe a few pieces of chewing gum and half a can of Coke. So sue away.
I’ve been on my own fic panels a lot lately. Hmm. So my MSTs are Mary Sues themselves. Fuck.
Chapter One: Legolas In Denial.
Voiceover: Legolas and Boromir are escorted into a theatre by a stunningly beautiful creature. The woman, who will only identify herself as SugaryLime, is dressed entirely in black velvet and lace, and has a sparkling tiara thing perched on her raven haired head. Her beautiful chocolate brown eyes are bright enough to light the room-
Audience: [sounds of mass vomiting, then various objects are hurled in the direction of the Voiceover guy]
Voiceover: I’m only reading what she’s written!
Audience: [consider throwing things at SugaryLime, but decide she’s too gorgeous, and resume pelting the Voiceover guy]
Voiceover: Fuck this! I quit! [runs from theatre, chased by angry audience]
SugaryLime: Well, fuck me seven ways from silly. We’ve got no audience.
Boromir: As long as I get to fuck Legolas, I don’t give a monkey’s left bullock.
Legolas: Wait! What? That was never part of the deal!
SugaryLime: Um, I sort of promised him.
Legolas: Well, un-promise! There’s no fucking way I’m screwing the human.
SugaryLime: Excuse me? I’m human, and you screwed me. Why not Boromir? He’s fuckable. Just look at him.
Legolas: First of all, that was our little secret. Second of all, shut the fuck up.
Boromir: You can be a real prick sometimes, you know that?
Legolas: Look, Boromir, I like you and all, but I just don’t, um, you know.
Boromir: There’s no fucking way you’re straight.
Legolas: As an arrow, mate.
SugaryLime: Can we start this fucking thing sometime today, or are you fuckwits going to argue all fucking day?
Legolas & Boromir: Yes, Mistress Limey Sugar.
SugaryLime: SugaryLime, you daft fucking bastards! This is a GSC fic. Now shut the fuck up!
Disclaimer: DO I look like Tolkien? I sure hope not. Anywho, I don't own anything that you recognize. I do own Arsarmwen and any other new characters I make up.
Legolas: Arse-Arm-Wen? Butt-arm-maiden? *nod to reviewer on FanFiction.net*
Boromir: How do you find this shite, SugaryLime?
SugaryLime: In this case, the title caught my attention. Then I read the reviews. The more Tolkien Snobs* that leave nasty flames, the worse the fic. This one had 93 reviews.
Boromir: Sorry I asked.
Chapter one: The meeting.
Arsarmwen, second high daughter of Elrond, sang a lilting melody. Her beautiful voice reverberated across the courtyard inside of Rivindale like a birds sweet melody.
Legolas: Elrond only has one daughter, you fucking cunt. One!
Boromir: Sure, Elrond of Rivendell only has one, but this chap from Rivindale has two.
SugaryLime: And she’s high.
Boromir: Stupid bitch. Can’t even share.
Legolas: No shit!
However, the melody was cut short when Arsarmwen sighed, staring out into the courtyard. "Father said some delegates are coming to talk to him about something." She stated to a small brown sparrow, whnoddnodded in sympathy. "I wonder who he'll try to get my to Marry this time."
Boromir: As the ten previous suitors fled, screaming, when her father had tried to marry her off before.
Legolas: Small Brown Sparrow. [bursts out laughing]
Legolas: Sorry, in-joke. Maybe Orlando’ll tell you.
Arsarmwen sighed again. Ever since she had come of age, if elfs could do that, her father had been trying to marry her off to various princes and politicians. "I don't want to marry." She stated, sighing once more.
Legolas: [sighs] No, we Elves just stay pre-pubescent all our lives. Stupid cunt.
Boromir: [sighs] That explains the abundance of undersized rentboys being flung around Lórien bath houses. *nod to Eowyn Sprogs with Legolas*
SugaryLime: [sighs] This sighing thing is fucking contagious. Wait- what the fuck, Boromir?
Boromir: Um, nothing. Carry on.
SugaryLime: Okay then. You boys play nice. I’m going for some whisky. [leaves Legolas & Boromir in theatre]
Legolas: Someone really needs to tell her that just because she’s had a little Scottish in her, doesn’t mean she’s got a little Scottish in her. Ye ken?
Legolas: I’ve got no clue.
She had hip length long golden hair that tumbled down her back in golden waves. In certain lights, however, showed that her hair contained the lightest touch of red.
Legolas: Good to know her golden hair falls in golden waves.
Boromir: Except in certain lights, then it’s got a bit of red.
Boromir: So there’s no chance I’m gonna get to fuck you?
Legolas: That is correct, sir.
SugaryLime: ‘Kay. I’m back.
Her eyes were as green as springs newest leaves, and they always shined merrily. However, when she got angry, a gold corona surrounded her eyes.
SugaryLime: Our Saviour on a pogo stick! I usually don’t puke when I drink, but I think I’m going to now. And Legolas, in reference to your little snark earlier- fuck you.
Legolas: No, because then you’ll think you’re Elven.
SugaryLime: Look, Elf, you may be immortal, but I can fucking kick your arse any day.
Boromir: Great. Now she’s Rain Clearwater. Will it ever stop?
She had a cute, heart shaped face that was covered with pale, almost translucent skin. She had a button nose that was perked to perfen. Hn. Her lips were cherry red and full, looking absolutely kissable.
SugaryLime: Heart-shaped face? What the fuck?
Legolas: The phrase ‘absolutely kissable’ does not ever, ever need to be in print. Ever.
Boromir: But you’re absolutely kissable.
Legolas: I am not gay. Not. Gay.
SugaryLime: That’s not what Elladan told me.
Legolas: Elladan? What would he know? It was Elro- fuck.
Boromir: Ha! Bend over.
Legolas: Fuck you.
Boromir: No, fuck you.
SugaryLime: Can you fuckwits do this later? This story is long as hell, and we’ve got fuck-all done so far, what with all your badgering and wrangles.
But right now those kissable lips were pulled into a sharp pout, and her eyes were edged with a tinge gold as a knock sounded on her bedroom door.
"Come in." She commanded wearily. Even when she wasn't happy, her voice was completely musical.
Legolas: Am I just really pished, or wait. I don’t know.
Boromir: You’re drunk already? Hic!
SugaryLime: Fucking idiots. It’ll be a goddamned miracle if we get through this thing.
Legolas: Isn’t ‘Goddamned miracle’ an oxymoron?
SugaryLime: Hmm. Yes. Yes it is.
Her father slowly came in. "Arsarmwen, I want you to come to this very secret meeting. It's secret, so you can't tell you're friends."
Boromir: Can’t tell she’s friends with whom?
Legolas: With anyone. Mostly because she isn’t.
SugaryLime: I love you guys.
Boromir: Uh-oh. She’s ratted.
Legolas: Well, she did drink half that bottle of whisky.
Boromir: Well, she is in mourning.
Legolas: So she didn’t get to see Liam for one weekend. It won’t kill her.
Boromir: He is hot though. And this was the weekend.
Legolas: The weekend?
Boromir: The I’ll-Wear-It-And-You-Can-Strip-It-Off-Me weekend.
SugaryLime: Hey, Elf-boy. C’mere.
Legolas: We need to do the story now Sonsy. Just lie down.
SugaryLime: [lies down with her head in Legolas’ lap]
SEVERAL HOURS AND A FEW HEADJOBS LATER. . .
SugaryLime: Okay, let’s get moving, shall we? Got loads more to do, and all this talking is making my jaws hurt.
Boromir: It’s not the talking that did that.
Arsarmwen nodded reluctantly. "Ok father, I'll come to this very secret meeting." She said, sighing once more. "Just let me get ready."
Elrond nodded. "Of course." He said. "It's not until an hour from know."
Arsarmwen nodded as he left. "Of course." She said in a snobby nasal voice, a mean mockery of her father. "He acts like I'm a little child. Ever since Arwen got together with that Aragorn guy, I'm 'father's' target to get his daughter married off to some proper elf!" She said glumly.
Legolas: So he’s not her father then?
Legolas: She’s got it in quotes: ‘father’s’.
Boromir: Oh. I see.
SugaryLime: Someone should use her for a target.
Legolas: Yeah, for my archery practise.
She closed her window, then slid into her new dress. It was a dark forest green, and it made her eyes light up.
SugaryLime: Because it was electrically charged, and her eyes were battery operated.
The dress shimmered in the light a dark gold color. It was slightly low cut, but not quite in the immodest way. It was edged with gold ribbon, and it complimented her slim shoulders, tiny waist, and big bust. The dress reached to the floor, and was of a floaty material. It was a beautiful dress, just as Arsarmwen was a beautiful elf.
SugaryLime: Oh no! It’s the attack of the anime Elves!
Legolas: Wait, I thought the dress was forest green.
Boromir: Maybe it’s like her hair, and in certain lights it’s really a different colour.
SugaryLime: I still can’t get past the fact that she’s the Butt Maiden.
Legolas: I can take care of that.
SugaryLime: You will not be arsefucking any Mary Sues in my MST, thank you.
SugaryLime: No buts. Or butts. Now stoppit.
She sighed as she swept her hand against the silky material, then she slowly brushed out her long hair. Even though it was long and lush, her hair rarely got tangled.
Legolas: It’s true. Elven shampoo works miracles.
Boromir: So, let me get this straight-
Legolas: You? Get something straight? Hah!
Boromir: Shut up. Now I’m not going to say it.
Legolas: You’re such a fucking baby.
Boromir: Lick my hairy white arse, Elf!
Legolas: In your dreams.
Boromir: Yeah, and?
SugaryLime: Enough! Do I have to separate you two? Fuck, you’re worse than children!
She put on a dash of crystal clear lip-gloss, even though she didn't need it. She was just naturally beautiful.
SugaryLime: Oh, Christ. Can this get any stupider?
Legolas: More stupid. Stupider isn’t a word.
SugaryLime: Spellchecker says it is, so eat my arse.
SugaryLime: It’s an expression, Legolas! Fuck!
She carefully laid a silver circlet on her head, making a face at its color. "Gold is such a better color." She complained to the little brown sparrow. "I could totally live without silver. It looks so ugly on me."
Legolas: Like, I could, like totally could, like, live without silver. Totally, and stuff. Like.
SugaryLime: Fucking American girls. [kisses Nisi]
Boromir: When does the plot start?
SugaryLime: Well, there are nine chapters, so probably somewhere around never.
Legolas: I’m just glad I’m not the love object in this one.
SugaryLime: No, but you’re going to be drooling over her in a minute.
Boromir: Wait a tick! Is that why I’m here?
Boromir: Well, fuck me rotten.
Legolas: I’m sure she’ll want to.
She still had a little while to go, so she amused herself with arranging her luscious locks to perfection, curling the strands around her face with a snap and a spark of her elfish magic.
Legolas: Is this bint fucking serious?
Boromir: I think so.
Legolas: I can think of much better ways to amuse myself than fixing my hair, Elvish magic or not.
Boromir: How many of them involve your being tied up by the dashing son of the Steward of Gondor?
Legolas: Faramir’s here?
SugaryLime: Oh, hell. Why not?
WITH A SNAP AND A SPARK OF HER GAY BRITISH MAGIC, SUGARYLIME HAS BROUGHT FARAMIR INTO THE THEATRE.
Faramir: What the fuck?
SugaryLime: Hey, Faramir. How goes it?
Faramir: I was right in the middle of rimming Aragorn, you stupid cunt!
Legolas: Aragorn told me he doesn’t- nevermind.
SugaryLime: Sorry, mate. I’ll send you back. [snaps and sparks and sends Faramir back to finish tongue-fucking his King]
Boromir: Well that was just stupid.
SugaryLime: You noticed?
When the time came for her to go to the secret meeting, a knock sounded at her door, so she threw on a pair of jeweled slippers and answered the door.
A tall, blond elf was standing there, a regal tilt to his nose. *Oh Gosh.* Arsarmwen thought. *Is this the elf father wants me to marry this time?*
Boromir: So that’s what that is. I just thought you were stuck-up.
Legolas: You only wish I were stuck-up. Stuck up you.
Boromir: You’re the bottom, sweet thing, not I.
Sure, he wasn't that bad looking, but at the moment, in Arsarmwen's eyes, he was a most unwelcome sight.
Legolas: Wasn’t that bad looking? What the fuck is that shit? Doesn’t she know I’ve won the Mr Valinor pageant for the last two centuries?
Boromir: Elves are so fucking gay.
Legolas: Yeah, well, who’s been trying to get into whose trousers for this entire fic?
SugaryLime: He’s got you, Boromir.
Boromir: [mocking] He’s got you Boromir. Fuck off.
"Hello, I am Legolas Greenleaf, Prince of Mirkwood." He said, staring at her with wide, grey eyes. "I'm here to take you to the meeting.
Legolas: Why do they always do this? It pisses me off every time.
SugaryLime: I know. And we hear about it every time.
Legolas: You’re the dumb bint who writes this shite, so isn’t that your fault?
SugaryLime: Shut up.
Arsarmwen gracefully lifted a shaped eyebrow at him.
Boromir: Isn’t that Haldir’s trick?
Legolas: Yeah, he’s got exclusive eyebrow raising rights.
Boromir: He could sue. Copyright infringement.
SugaryLime: [rolls eyes] That’s so last fic.
*He looks like a prat!* She thought in dread. *Now watch, he's going to be completely stupid.*
Legolas stared down at the image of beauty infront of him. *Wow.* He thought dazedly.*She's beautiful.*
Legolas: Would one of you shoot me, please?
Boromir: You’re not getting out of this that easily.
Legolas: Fine, but I don’t look like a prat.
Legolas: You’re such a fucking prick.
SugaryLime: I’m just wondering how the hell I got in her fic.
SugaryLime: She said ‘image of beauty,’ so I naturally assumed she meant me.
Legolas: Someone’s got a high opinion of herself.
SugaryLime: If you don’t love yourself, no one else will.
Boromir: I’m sure you know a lot about self-love.
SugaryLime: Piss off. Aren’t you supposed to be dead or something?
Boromir: You’re the one that put me in this little story of yours.
SugaryLime: Oh, go fuck yourself.
SugaryLime: He started it.
Legolas: Elbereth on a pony. Just shut the fuck up, both of you.
Indeed, the graceful elf was of stunning beauty, even for an elf. *I wish they had girls like her at home.* He thought wistfully. *I could definitely marry an elf like her.
SugaryLime: Who are they? And where are they keeping all those gorgeous Elven women?
Legolas: Apparently not in Mirkwood. Not like I give a flying fuck, but still.
Boromir: Not like you give any kind of fuck, flying or otherwise.
Legolas: What? Just cos I’m not fucking you, doesn’t mean I’m not fucking. I happen to be in a committed relationship right now.
SugaryLime: [sneezes] Bullshit!
Legolas: Okay, fine. I just don’t want to fuck you. There.
He realized he was staring at her when she scowled at him. "So, take me to the meeting." She said, pouting at him.
Legolas nodded at the beauty. "Ok, milady." He said, taking her hand.
The beauty rolled her green eyes at him, the green themselves becoming overshadowed by gold. She let him take her hand and guide her down the hall to a outside courtyard that was surrounded by falling leaves.
Legolas: First she’s scowling, then she’s pouting. What the fuck.
Boromir: She’s The Beauty. Never question The Beauty. Her colour-changing eyes will change colour, and she will become angry.
Legolas: Because that is a major plot point. That, and her marvellous strawberry-blonde hair.
In the sunlight, Legolas thought he saw a glimmer of coppery-red in her long golden hair, but it was gone before he could examine it further.
Legolas: Told you.
The beautiful elf flounced to sit down next to a cranky looking old man that Legolas recognized as Gandalf the Grey. Gandalf had always scared Legolas, so he sat away from the girl.
SugaryLime: You’re afraid of Gandalf?
Legolas: He’s sort of creepy, and he’s got that old man smell that you can’t get out of your clothes for days. *nod to Corliamat*
SugaryLime: But he seems like such a nice man.
Boromir: Legolas is right, SugaryLime. That first night in Moria, he tried to grope me. Said it was an accidental bump. He thought I would buy it cos it was so dark.
The meeting went along as it should, and Legolas day-dreamed, only pausing to defend Aragorn, who was a friend.
Boromir: I’ll bet he’s a friend.
SugaryLime: The kind of friend you daydream about at an important meeting.
Legolas: Alright! I’ve had it! You want me to say it? Fine. I take it up the arse. Are you fuckers happy now?
Boromir and SugaryLime: Yeah, that’ll do.
Legolas: [muttering] Arseholes.
He put a few comments here and there, then got angry at the stupid, stunted thing that was unfortunately called a 'person'. In other words, Gimli the Dwarf.
Legolas: Poor Gim. I mean yeah, he’s smelly and hairy, but he’s a decent fellow. And no, I haven’t fucked him, so don’t fucking ask. That’s just disgusting.
SugaryLime: This author makes you seem like a complete fuckwit.
Boromir: And it’s such a stretch, I tell you.
Legolas: Yeah, insult me. That’ll get you in my trousers. Dumbshit.
Then the arguing ensued, and the hobbit that went by the name of Frodo volunteered to take the ring. He surprised Legolas, but Legolas could tell that it was the right choice.
Gandalf stood up next. "I will help you, my dear Hobbit, as long as I am able."
Then Aragorn stood up. "You have my sword, and my life." He said, smiling down at the nervous hobbit.
Legolas felt himself moving to join them. "You have my bow."
Gimli also moved up, his small eyes shifty. "And my Axe." He said gruffly.
Boromir, who Legolas wasn't sure he liked, also stood up. "As it is the will of the counsel, Gondor will see it done." He said, standing proudly.
SugaryLime: This passage brought to you by the Late, Great JRR Tolkien, whose gravespinning produces enough energy annually to power the entire United Kingdom. *nod to Nisi*
To Legolas's surprise, the beautiful she-elf also stood up. "I will go, with the blessings of my father." She said, her eyes gold tinged.
Legolas felt an impulse to protect her. "Milady, I'm not sure that would be wise." He said quickly. "There is a chance you could be harmed."
Legolas: I say let her go. We can throw her to the Balrog and save Gandalf.
SugaryLime: But then Gandalf won’t turn white and free Theoden from the evil clutches of Saruman.
Legolas: Okay, so maybe we can kill her off at Amon Hen instead of Boromir.
Boromir: Was that so hard?
Boromir: Now that is hard.
Legolas: Boromir, we’re not fucking. Get past it.
The beautiful she-elf glared at him. "I am well aware of the ramifications of my choice." She said bitingly, then smiled down at Frodo, who's bright, big blue eyes were wide. "You have my dagger, and my sword." She said. "And the blessings of the women-folk of middle earth."
Boromir: We’ve already got a sword, you stupid bint. Mr Oh-Looky-I’m-King-And-You’re-Not pledged his.
Boromir: It just wasn’t fair, that’s all. Bastarding Ranger wanted fuck-all to do with us for his whole life, then out of nowhere, he gets to be king.
Legolas: Yeah, and he’s fucking your brother and not you.
Boromir: That’s got nowt to do with anything.
A small, slightly portly hobbit ran up. "Mr. Frodo's not going anywhere without me." He said, crossing his arms over his chest and jutting out his chin stubbornly.
Legolas: As opposed to a tall, skinny Hobbit.
SugaryLime: Stay tuned for more liberal Tolkien paraphrasing.
Elrond pursed his lips. "Indeed we can't, when one of you is summoned to a secret meeting and you are not." He said, peering at him.
Two more tousle-haired hobbits ran out. "We're coming too!" One of them said cheerfully, running up and standing next to Frodo and the other hobbit.
One of them who had a cheery smile grinned up at them. "You will need people of intelligence on this mission. Quest. Thing!" He said jovially.
Legolas surpressed a snort at the hobbits eloquent speech, and he heard the she-elf do the same thing. They stared at each other, then the she-elf turned her head aside with a humph.
One of the other hobbits snorted out right. "I guess that would eliminate you, Pip." He said sarcastically.
Legolas: I hate this stupid cunt. Maybe I’ll kill her somewhere along the way, and blame the Orcs.
Boromir: What exactly is everyone snorting?
Legolas: Out Right Brand™ Cocaine.
Boromir: Well, it explains why she’s the second high daughter of Elrond.
Elrond stood up. "Ten companions." He said, smiling warmly at them. "Then you shall be the fellowship of the Ring."
SugaryLime: Ten. One for each Wraith, and one extra in case someone gets hungry. Caradhras can be a bitch.
The hobbit that was called Pip grinned again. "So where is it that we're going?"
Legolas felt like hitting his head against the stone pillar.
Legolas: Much like I do right now.
SugaryLime: Oh, relax. There are only eight more chapters.
He heard the she-elf beside him giggle a bit, and he was immediately drawn to look at her. *I think,* he thought. *I think that this is going to be the most interesting of trips.* After thinking that, he smiled warmly at the she-elf, who quickly turned her head away.
SugaryLime: Why is it when people write about female Elves, they feel compelled to say ‘she-elf’ repeatedly?
Boromir: It’s because Elves are so androgynous, there has to be a way to tell the boys from the girls. We have to be reminded who’s who every now and again.
Legolas: Just because we ar all all hairy and smelly like you lot-
SugaryLime: Stoppit. We’re at the end, so knock it off!
AN: Sooo.That'd you think? Was it bad? Good? Absolutely horrible? Please tell me, even if it is bad.
Also, this whole story is an experiment. Fanfiction.net has been taking off random stories for no reason. I want to see if they'll keep this one. So, if you hate it, feel free to complain about it.
SugaryLime: Absolutely horrible.
Legolas: The fact that FanFiction.net hasn’t removed this one speaks volumes of their quality standards.
Boromir: Which quality standards would those be?
SugaryLime: Exactly. I think I’m going to go grab a sandwich before the next instalment. Either of you want anything?
Boromir: Legolas naked.
Legolas: A thousand times, no!
To be continued by SugaryLime. There really are eight more sodding chapters of this shite.