Rating: Overall: NC-17.
Disclaimers: Not true. . .blah, blah, blah. Tolkien's characters are his own, I just get them dirty.
Summary: Yay, more smut.
Archive: Gay Shagging Cats.
A/N: Blatant Mary Sue. Horribly written. The only reasons the het seks isn't disgusting are: 1) I'm the OFC. 2) It's humour.
A/N 2: You know, I’m not really this pervy in real life. Oh, who am I kidding? This is a Mary Sue, which means it’s an exact representation of what I really am. Perfectly sexy and gorgeous. Yeah.
Previous Instalments can be found here.
Thank you all for reading this! I’ve noticed that the number of hits this daft piece of shite has gotten so far has reached 1100. Spiffing.
Once again, watch out for the twincesty goodness. If you’re squicked by that, skip this chapter. Shall we sally forth, then? Yes, sally we shall. Sally, that is. I’m not talking to anyone called Sally. I’m meaning we shall continue. Yes.
Do you think this entire paragraph should have been cut? Because I rather like it. I had fun writing it. . .
I have got to stop watching Monty Python whilst I write. Okay, continuing with the story.
Part Twelve: Oh, Shit.
Elrohir stood, leaving his quivering twin lying on the ground, and walked to where Sonja was sprawled out. He reached for her hand and pulled her up, and led her back to the grassy spot.
“Milady,” Elrohir began, “I would be most honoured if you would allow me to, that is to say, may I have the privilege of-”
“Elrohir wants to have his way with you, it seems,” laughed Elladan. “I don’t know why he is suddenly timid. There is hardly an Elf in Imladris either of us hasn’t bedded.”
“With the exception of Legolas,” Elrohir added, shaking his head. “He refuses to take a bedmate. As far as either of us know, he’s untouched.”
Sonja’s eyes widened as she recalled reading about the Elven ways. “Legolas is, er, was a virgin? Holy shit.”
“Don’t tell me you and he-” Elladan was grinning. “Nearly three-thousand years old, and he finally finds a suitable bride.”
“Bride? Oh, no! I’m no one’s bride!” Sonja was beside herself. “You two fuck all the time, and neither of you seems to be carrying on about a spouse. Maybe Legolas-”
“Elladan and I, as with many of our kind, see Elven laws as more of a set of guidelines. Seeing as how we are in violation of one of the most important ones. But Legolas- Legolas is an Elf of virtue, and takes these things seriously.”
“Oh, shit. But Aragorn was really his first, and-”
“Aragorn?” Both brothers gasped at once.
“Yeah. Aragorn fucked the hell out of him last night. You should have seen it.”
“Milady, what is this ‘fuck’ you keep saying?”
“Fuck generally means to have sex, but it can pretty much mean anything. But that’s beside the point. I need to find a way out of this nonsense of me being Legolas’ bride.”
“There isn’t a way out. Even if either of you were to die, you are bound forever.” Elrohir stated, as he moved behind Elladan to kiss the back of his brother’s neck. “That’s the way it is.”
“Since I’m going to be stuck with him all the way to Mordor, and I won’t have you two to keep me company, do you think you could give me a little something to remember you by?”
“We would be more than pleased.”
Ha! I tricked you! You thought you were going to get some hot peredhil action! Double ha!
Next chapter, I promise.