Abigail von Normal (seethingheathen) wrote in sugarylime,
Abigail von Normal

Parody Sue: Tenth Instalment.

Title: Every (Fan)Girl's Dream
Author: seethingheathen
Feedback: Please.
Pairing: Everyone/Anyone
Rating: Overall: NC-17.
Disclaimers: Not true. . .blah, blah, blah. Tolkien's characters are his own, I just get them dirty.
Summary: Yay, more smut.
Archive: Gay Shagging Cats.
A/N: Blatant Mary Sue. Horribly written. The only reasons the het seks isn't disgusting are: 1) I'm the OFC. 2) It's humour.
A/N 2: You know, I’m not really this pervy in real life. Oh, who am I kidding? This is a Mary Sue, which means it’s an exact representation of what I really am. Perfectly sexy and gorgeous. Yeah.

Previous Instalments can be found here.

I know the chapters are short, but as I have said many times before, I am trying to stay true to the Mary Sue Hetfic genre by actually doing as little as possible, but making it look enormous. Right. Oh, and again, this is parody, and therefore meant to be stupid. In case you have forgotten, I despise Mary Sues as much as the next slashergirl.

Now, I would like to thank those who have been really getting after me to write more of this. Without you lot, I could have successfully put it off for a few more years. Just kidding. Thank you, really. It’s nice to know that my little story is being enjoyed.

Squick Alert: If you don’t like women getting a little backdoor action, I’d skip this part, mate. Cos that’s what happens. Oh, and a little post-coital rimming. Felching, some of you call it. I’ve got a thing for rimming. This chapter’s even a bit pervier than previous ones, mostly cos I’m a bit randy at the mo.

Onward, ho! And who says Elves don’t have indoor plumbing? The Romans did, no? But the Romans all got lead poisoning and went crazy, so maybe Elves have copper piping? Fuck if I know. I don’t think Tolkien ever specified. This is my story, and I say the Elves have indoor plumbing. Piss off.

Part Fourteen: There’s Someone at Your Backdoor.

Sonja stood in her bath chamber and stared at her reflection in the mirror. Yes, she could see why Legolas would forget that she was human; she was quite stunning. Her hair shone brilliantly, her eyes sparkled. And let us not forget that her eyebrows were perfectly arched. Perhaps she should embrace this marriage business. After all, it would make her a princess. She decided to draw a bath, and have a nice long think about it.

As she was waiting for the tub to fill, Sonja heard a knock at her door. She vowed that if it was Legolas, she would knee him in the bullocks and slam the door in his face. She wasn’t in the mood for him just yet. To Legolas’ good fortune, it wasn’t he who was at her door. It was a lovely handmaiden holding a lilac-coloured velvet gown.

“There is to be a banquet this eve, Your Highness,” the girl said, doing her best to curtsey with the gown in her arms. “His Highness the Prince of Mirkwood said you should wear this.” She lifted the gown to Sonja, who took it and flung it over her shoulder.

“He did, did he?”

“Yes, Highness, he did. He said, ‘take this gown to my wife’s chambers at the end of the east hall.’”

“Hrm. Fine. Thank you.” Sonja watched as the maiden backed away, then she shut the door. Legolas was persistent, if nothing. She sighed and laid the dress across the bed. She’d look at it when she got out of the bath.

The bath! Sonja had forgotten all about the tub filling! There would have been water all over the floor by now.

There wasn’t. Instead, what greeted her when she walked into the bath chamber was a lovely bubble-filled tub with an Elf-Prince perched on the side of it, wearing nothing but a smirk.

“Holy hell,” Sonja muttered, taking in the sight before her. Legolas was one fit motherfucker. And one clever bloke, at that. He’d snuck in through the high window when the handmaiden was showing Sonja the gown.

“Good eve, my love,” Legolas said, standing. His hair was unbound, and it fell down his back gracefully. “It is nice to see you.”

“I- I,” Sonja stammered, as Legolas pulled her shirt over her head. She stepped out of her trousers and Legolas pulled her close to him.

“To use your words, Milady, I am going to fuck you now. How does that sound?” Legolas dipped his tongue into Sonja’s ear, sending chills through her body. “And then you can make up for misbehaving earlier today.”

“Oh, okay,” Sonja replied absently, sinking to her knees in front of the Elf. She touched her tongue to the glistening drop at the tip of his erect cock. Just when she was about to put her lips around it, Legolas reached down and tipped her chin up.

“No, Milady, as much as I desire your mouth on me, I have something else in mind for you.” Legolas knelt in front of Sonja and tweaked her nipples. “Turn around, please.”

Sonja did as she was asked, and turned her back toward the Elf and dropped down on her elbows. He didn’t actually say to do that, but she had a sneaking suspicion he would have. “Well,” she said impatiently, “are you going to-” Sonja was cut off mid-sentence as Legolas slid a finger down the crack of her arse and up into her cunt, and worked it in and out, covering his finger with her wetness. Then he did something that took Sonja very much by surprise; he rubbed his finger over her arsehole, and then pushed the tip of it in slowly.

“Yes,” Legolas breathed, “you like that, don’t you?” When Sonja moaned a response, Legolas began slipping his finger in and out, fucking her arse with the slender digit. “Tell me, Milady. Tell me how much this pleases you.”

“Just fucking fuck me, you daft bastard!”

“I think, love, that it will be better indeed if you lie on your back after all,” Legolas said, withdrawing his finger.

“Fucking indecisive Elf,” Sonja muttered as she turned over once again. “I’m not immortal, you know. I haven’t got all the time you do.”

“I suggest you calm yourself. I do not want to hurt you, and I would imagine that what I am about to do to you would be much more pleasurable if you were relaxed.”

“I’m not a virgin, you know. Now can we cut the chit-chat and get on with it?”

“Very well.” Legolas once again inserted his finger into Sonja’s twat, withdrew it, and pushed it into her arse. Then he eased a second one in. “Are you ready?”

“Yes,” Sonja breathed. She felt Legolas remove his fingers from her arsehole. Through half-lidded eyes, she saw him reach for the vial of oil near the bathtub, open it, and coat his cock in the slippery liquid. Sonja relaxed all of her muscles and closed her eyes when she felt Legolas’ cockhead press against the tight ring of her arse.

“Elbereth,” Legolas moaned as he sheathed himself in tight velvet warmth. “Are you alright, my love?”

“Yes. Oh, fuck yes.”

“Touch yourself.” Legolas held Sonja’s knees apart and watched as she brought her hand down to rub her clit. “Does that feel good?”

“Mmm, yes. God, yes.” Sonja reached for one of Legolas’ hands and guided it between her legs. Legolas smirked and pushed two fingers into her cunt. With the triple assault, it didn’t take long for Sonja to come, her body convulsing as Legolas continued pumping into her arse. As he reached his own climax, his thrusts got harder and faster. Within a few moments, Sonja felt Legolas come deep inside of her.

She really wasn’t expecting what came next.

Legolas withdrew his cock, and slid down so that his face was between Sonja’s thighs. She nearly screamed when he began licking com come from her arsehole. “Come here,” Sonja managed, and Legolas moved up so that the pair were face to face. “Kiss me.” Legolas slipped his tongue into Sonja’s mouth, and she could taste the sweetness of his essence mingled with her own.

“Now, Milady, we bathe.” Legolas said after breaking the kiss. He helped Sonja up and into the tub. “There is a banquet to attend this eve, and it would be most improper to attend as debauched as we are.”

A few moments later, as the two sat in the tub, with Sonja settled between Legolas’ legs, she said, “I want to watch the twins fuck you.”


“I can feel you getting hard, Legolas. You bloody well heard what I said.”

“Very well, love. I shall leave the arrangements to you.”


To be continued . . .

Will the Fellowship ever leave Imladris? You’ll have to stay tuned to find out!
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